Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters
by Warrior4Life
Summary: Xiahou Xiuying (AKA Xiuyi) is the niece to one-eyed general Xiahou Dun and is a warrior for Wei. She has to deal with mindless conflicts and her older brother Xiahou Ba's stupidity. Look how she reacts to the chaos.
1. Goodbye Liu Shan, Hello Plant Ba

Background Information: Xiahou Ba has a younger sister named **Xiahou Xiuying (AKA Xiuyi) **and this is her answering letters in the chaotic era of the Three Kingdoms. She has long black hair and fair skin with painted red nails, a gorgeous smile, and a lean figure. Her outfit is a dark navy blue and she wears a purple cape. She wears full body armor without a helmet and uses a Flying Guillotine (The literal translation into Chinese is called 血滴子 "Blood Dripper"). **[Flying Guillotine: The consensus is that it resembled a hat with a bladed rim with an attached long chain. It was used to enveloping the victims head, the blades cleanly decapitate the victim with a pull of the chain. This gives the weapon its English name. However there is evidence that the weapon may have been used by being soaked with intense venom that is so powerful it could kill another person "at the sight of a drip of blood", thus giving it its Chinese name.]** It was a weapon made in the Qing Dynasty. Her weapon is called Zhansha- Beheaded. She is a serious fighter and is apart of the Wei forces as one of Cao Pi's generals.

-I wanted to write a story or humorous short story for awhile and is so happens that the concept of Xiahou dun having a niece is what drew me to come up with Xiahou Xiuying, who will be called Xiuyi a lot.

* * *

_**Goodbye Liu Shan and Hello Plant Ba (Brother)**_

* * *

Liu Shan

I am your enemy. And no, I will not become one of your concubines. You're a horrible ruler as you surrendered your kingdom. I may consider it if you get Shu to surrender to Wei.

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Liu Shan

Begone before I come to Shu and kill you!

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Liu Shan

I will convince Xingcai to kill you in your sleep!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

Kill your second lord already or I'll do it for you!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

No, I do not like him one bit. He tried flirting with me and asked me twice to become his concubine. Does he not know that I am your enemy!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

You have Zhao Yun don't you? He'll kill him right?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

Scratch that last letter. My uncle just told me about Changban.

Tell your mentor to throw him off a cliff next time he has to save the fool!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

*Innocent* Of course I wouldn't ask the second lord of Shu to surrender his lands in return for something he would defile. It would be a mere trick to get pass Shu borders under the guise of a concubine that went willingly so I could kill him and return. Do you really expect me to become a wife much less a concubine to unworthy men? You're funny uncle Dun.

Your beloved-innocent niece Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

Wait, let me get this straight? Liu Shan was murdered, by his own son Liu Dai, who gave up the throne for his younger brother and that went to both of their sisters, and you're telling me that through pressure Zhao Yun is now the ruler of Shu? And Liu Dai walks freely? Did I read this right?"

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

I thought so. Thank you for the update on your kingdom's affairs. And give was-suppose-to-be-lord Liu Dai my thanks.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Hi uncle! How's the weather in the castle? Is Lord Cao Cao still hung over from Chibi? How's my father and brother? Is Sima Yi still a dork with a stupid hat? Did Guo Jia give Xun Yu a hug yet? Can you give me my Zhansha? I learned that Shu's Tiger General Zhao Yun became lord, what should our reaction be?

Your beloved niece Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I considered as much.

Your beloved niece Xiuyi

* * *

Yue Jin

Hey shorty, there's someone in Shu that's faster than you, come show you're better. He also jumps higher then you and denies gravity- literally!

Xiuyi

* * *

Yue Jin

What. The. HELL. Do. You. Mean?

How does one of Wei's Five Generals lose to an Uncrowned General of Shu- namely the snake dude?

You're worthless in this job!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Send me someone who is capable of being hit a couple times in rapid succession who will not break down right in the middle of the field.

Your Beloved Niece Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

OH DEAR GODS NOT HIM! ANYBODY BUT HIM!

(didn't bother signing)

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

(I hate you right now) Fine!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He

(The letter was written in forced handwriting)

There's someone down here who is more fabulous than you. Are you going to take that? Then fly over here like a butterfly and get rid of him!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Kill me!

Shu's She Ren (*AKA the person's name literally translates to Snake Man*) defeated and bent Zhang He's claws. What do I do now?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

(Like I could care less about them) *Sarcasm* Oh they're doing fine. Yue Jin just has two little holes in his arms and is turning blue and Zhang He has claw marks all over him and is bleeding a pond in my tent. Me? I'm doing well myself except my eyes turned GREEN because of Snake Man over here. You tell me?

Xiuyi

* * *

Snake Man

Turn my eyes back to their midnight blue or I'll kill you.

Your sworn enemy Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

She Ren

Happy? I called you by your name.

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

Thank you for changing my eye color back. Now let us get back to fighting.

Xiuyi

* * *

Snake Man

STOP KILLING MY SOLDIERS AND/OR CURSING MY GENERALS! Damn it, that's the last straw. You're deadmeat!

(Didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Brother

Ba, I don't have time for this. I pissed off a snake and I'm on currently at battle. Tell father you want a bunny, not me. And no I will not help you care for it.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

You. Did. What?

How many times did I tell you not to eat those red mushrooms?

Ugh, fine I'm coming.

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

Truce. I have to help my gods-dumb-older brother from red spores all over his body.

We are going to finish this later though!

Xiuyi

* * *

Snake Man

I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!

(Didn't bother signing it- she was in a hurry)

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Yes I left Yue Jin and Zhang He there to deal with the Snake Man, and no I do not care for them. They are worthless because they couldn't beat my rival.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

NO, SHE REN IS MY RIVAL! MINE! I'LL DECIDE WHETHER HE DIES OR NOT! HE'S MY RIVAL SO I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO KILL HIM!

Xiuyi (who is now pissed off)

* * *

Brother

Well you're doing well for someone who ate the red mushrooms like he's not suppose to. Let's see. High fever, blood coming out of the red spores that litter your body, you're green, and your eyes are turning yellow. Carriage!

Xiuyi- your loving sister that left you to become a plant by yourself!

* * *

Father

Brother is turning into a plant, I need chemicals and a flyswatter please.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I need hedge cutters to cut some roots growing out from underneath Ba's door and to get to him on his bed. Oh, and can I also have something that could kill spiders?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I'm not going to use my beloved weapon to kill an abomination of this world. Now give me those clippers!

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Well you look mad with the big red petals around your face, yellow eyes and green skin. Do you want me to water your roots for you or are you good? I can get some sunlight into your room. I'm just going to need to bash through the walls.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

WHAT THE HELL! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A BIG SPIDER IN YOUR ROOM? DAMN IT I KNEW I WOULD SEE ONE IN HERE! WHERE'S THAT FLAMETHROWER!?

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Okay, good news first: I got the giant spider. Bad news: it was on your face and you are now a crispy, smoldering essence of a plant.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Who cares if the spider was the size of a pin needle! IT WAS NEAR ME!

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

I could care less about your opinions. And what you consider about spiders makes me want to torch you again- this time with the whole building.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

Well Ba is torched up in his room and the building will crash down in exactly one hour. What do you want to do?

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

Well it is hot out here but you know I hate to swim. After the pool party with Xu Zhu and you going in for a cannon ball I was scarred for life for what came up before the both of you did!

Xiuyi

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope this was funny for you. I will add any descriptions if you want and if you would like to use any of my characters for your own stories you gladly can if I get a heads-up first!**

**She Ren will appear again and again in my stories and Xiuyi will get another rival in Wu, from Jin, and from Other: but you're going to have to wait and see. If any of you have ideas I'll gladly use them. I'm only expecting to do 20 chapters or so of these.**

**I will also need you guys to tell me my grammar mistakes! And I will occasionally switch from letters to story format.**

**See yeah- Yukiyun**


	2. If You Can't Beat Them

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange to Have Them Beaten**_

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Hey, how's the weather? Is Xun Yu getting better at his magic? Is your son still plotting against you? Are you still being mean to Sima Yi? Can I have an army?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

My brother turned into a plant. You tell me! There are roots everywhere around our house- and that's the only place where you can get through. I need an army to get pass the roots inside the house.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He

Wait, you were healed and you went fighting again and now you're in the same position as before I left. You're an idiot! What were you trying to prove?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He

Doesn't mean you have to go and attack an enemy that has higher speed than you. And a better range! And being the most beautiful in the land? Isn't that Zhenji's job or something? Whatever, maybe Pang De is more useful than you right now.

Xiuyi

* * *

Pang De

Hey, do me a favor and capture She Ren for me, thank you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

No, I have not seen Lady Yuanji. Last I saw her she was with Shi going to a Star seer.

Xiuyi (She's totally cheating on Zhao with his older brother)

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I don't blame you for loving Sima Shi more than Zhao, just try and not make it seem so damn noticeable.

Best wishes, Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

Congratulations, try not to make it noticeable and if anyone asks, it's Zhao's kid. Have you found out about a name yet?

Best wishes, Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

So if it's Yuanji's choice and the both of you picked Sima Hong for a boy and Sima Hualing if it's a girl. Cute! Tell me when she's ready to give birth and I'll bring flowers. Have fun hiding it from your family!

Best wishes, Xiuyi

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Xiuying,**

***Attached is a fire letter, which when it is opened, starts a big fire***

**Sincerely, Lu Xun**

Dear Lu Xun

*Paper is burnt*

I will find you, and I will kill you!

(Not bothering to sign it)

* * *

Sima Yi

Here, have this letter Lu Xun gave me for your response. I really do think you shouldn't ask a pyromaniac to cook popcorn. They could burn your house down.

*Attached is the same fire letter that burned her house down*

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

I told you so.

Xiuyi (Laughing hysterically)

(Oh man that was good!)

* * *

Sima Zhao

I don't know why your house burned down and you've seen Shi hanging with Yuanji again. Please tell me more.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

I didn't need to know that. Who would like to know that you have a fetish for being cooked like food. Or better yet, why you think reading your wife's homoerotic books was a good idea.

Xiuyi

P.S. Did you see the book Yuanji borrowed from me? It has Guo Jia and Xun Yu?

P.P.S. Unless you want to be scarred, don't read that book! It's for female eyes only.

* * *

Sima Zhao

Didn't Yuanji tell you? Every female in this country has some Yaoi-fascination. I am no different.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yunaji

Get Zhao away from your books!

Best wishes, Xiuyi

* * *

Pang De

Took you long enough to reply! Damn it! What should i do now because you failed to catch my rival?

Xiuyi

* * *

Gan Ning

You're drunk, please stop writing to me while you are not sober enough to even correct your simple grammar mistakes.

(Didn't bother signing)

* * *

Dear San Keshu

Why, isn't it my lovely female rival that I can speak to without getting mad at her, even if she's considered to be one of Chen Gong's daughters? I love the dying flower you sent me, but is this not suppose to be on your school uniform? And how is She Ren over there with you? (Better not be anything I'm thinking of.)

And how's Pyro Bitch?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear San Keshu

You're the only one who knows about my crush on my rival. No one else has to know! Oh, and by the way, where's that Wen Yang and Zhao Yun story you borrowed from my library last week?

Xiuyi (Please tell me she didn't _lose_ that one!)

* * *

Dear San Keshu

THEN FIND IT! Only we can see the pages of _that book_! If someone gets it they're going to think someone actually _watched_ them do it!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear San Keshu

IT WAS THAT DETAILED AND YOU KNOW IT!

Xiuyi

* * *

Gan Ning

I will find you, and burn all the paper in Wu and steal all your alcohol and wine. I don't drink but my uncle lost his stash of illegal Cobra Venom wine and our ties with Shu are bad currently so we can't order Black Dragon tea leaves or even that delicious-smelling Dragon Age wine.

Oh, and i told you to stop writing to me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Ling Tong

Remove all postal service permission from Gan Ning.

Xiuyi

* * *

Pyro Bitch

I hate you.

(Didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Pyro Bitch

Stay away from She Ren Huo Baozi, or I will find you, and kill you.

This is your last warning.

(didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Pyro Bitch

*Paper is burned nearly to ash*

You just brought your whole damn kingdom to ruin!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Assemble your men. I'm leading an attack toward Wu!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

This is why. *Attaches all letters from Huo Baozi*

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

I know she cusses a lot! And she writes without the neccessary grammar! This is why she and all of wu must be destroyed. You've seen what they've done to the Sima household! We must not let those firebugs live to see another day!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

I have my Uncle Dun's mean streak when it comes to a rival. That and the sadistic need for all my enemies to perish. Is that so wrong?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Exactly!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I'm going to war with the Pyro Bitch. Want me to bring you back anything?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

A few cases of Death Adder Venom wine and a fruit basket filled with poisonous plants and fruits to get rid of a fangirl. Consider it done.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He and Yue Jin

I have another job for you two goons. something that even you two can't mess up! I want the both of you to meet my army in Wu so we can strike them down. Forget all about She Ren, I'll get him later (after he gets out of San Keshu's care) and then I'll kill him. Just do what I tell you to and this should all go smoothly!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He and Yue Jin

What in the nine layers of hell do you mean when you say you've turn into plants?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He and Yue Jin

I TOLD THE BOTH OF YOU BEFORE I LEFT TO NOT EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!

Xiuyi

* * *

**Author's note: Thank you VelocityRaptor, The RED Spy, and Gan Ning for your letters!**

**Huo Baozi is her rival from Wu, like She Ren is from Shu. And her name literally translates into Pyro Bitch.**

**I hope I didn't creep anyone out with what I said here, but I will bring in Sima Shi and Wang Yuanji's kid, whether it be named Sima Hong or Sima Hualing, that's up to you guys to pick!**


	3. I'm Going To Kill Lots of People

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**I'm Going To Kill Lots of People**_

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Kind of. I heard that calling someone in Shu a snake is considered an insult or a friendly jab. Maybe because snakes are mini dragons, or something like that. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO MARRY MY RIVAL! (Crud, how'd he find out!)

Your Niece Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Zhao

Okay, one I think you meant this for Shi, and two: THAT'S MY LINE DAMN IT!

I will find you, and I will kill you!

*Paper wrinkled in anger*

Xiuyi

* * *

Wei Yan

Lets see. Help you kill Zhao Yun because of being jealous, or keeping my head on my shoulders. You do realize that he has a _lot_ of students over there, and that if an enemy steps across their borders they attack like wolves. I like where everything is on my body in place, thank you very much! (I should warn the rest of them).

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

Wei Yan is planning to overthrow your new appointed-pressured lord Zhao Yun, stop him immediately! (I like Zhao Yun being lord far more than Wei Yan just being a general.)

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

Does it matter where I got this information? Just stop him before something happens to your new appointed-pressured lord!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhu Ran

Lu Xun burned my hair to a crisp. If I can't trust that pyromaniac from Wu to give me a letter that will not start a huge damn fire, what makes you think I can trust _another_ pyromaniac of the same kingdom? I would like my brother to keep all his limbs er, roots... intact! Thank you for your offer.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhu Ran

*Paper is burnt*

I will find you, and I will kill you! That's the second time someone burned my house down!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

Want popcorn? Here's a letter I got from Zhu Ran.

Xiuyi

* * *

Chong Wu

Thank you, I guess. (What the heck are these?) Sun Quan knows I am his enemy, right? (I'll forward them to the person I pull their name out of Sima Yi's DW6 hat.)

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Sun Quan

I pulled your name out of a hat. Here are two... disks and 30 meatbuns. Have fun!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

Here, I made too many *attached to this letter is a basket full of meatbuns*.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Uncle Dun is considering you to be a girl. How do you take that?

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

That bad, huh? Well, you're a plant still and Zhu Ran burned my house down... make some room in your nest of roots. I'm coming in!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhu Ran

Here's the bill to the house you burned down- which so happened to be mine!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Xun

I am not opening your letter *attached is Lu Xun's most recent letter*.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

Cao Ren is unavailable at this moment. Please write back and try again later. (Like Zhao will be able to kill him anyway.)

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

Your husband and secret boyfriend are fighting: I recommend you hide and tell Wen Yang and Deng Ai to help him out. I can't reach Cao Ren at this time.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

How dare you send a forged letter from Ma Dai! That's it, I'm going to beg Xun Yu to turn you into a girl for 72 hours!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

*Attached to this letter is 3 pouches full of gold*

Here's payment. Turn my brother and Guo Jia into a woman for 72 hours! If you need anything for this just tell me!

Thank you, Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Oh, you were turned into a girl! Wow, I thought you hated the idea!

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother (er, sister)

Just be like that for 72 hours and tell me what it's like. You can hate me later. Plus you can consider making it permanent! Just a suggestion. You might being a girl more than a boy! (And you don't have to wear that heavy armor of yours and complain about it.)

Your loving sister that didn't do anything regarding you changing gender, Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

Not fun being a woman now, is it. You were hit on 30+ times and it's still going- and that's only today! You got about 69 hours to go! My suggestion is that you hid. You might be good looking as a guy but it's obvious that you look drop dead gorgeous as a woman. Good luck!

Xiuyi *Who laughed as she wrote this*

* * *

Cao Pi

I forgot to mention this before, but thank you for warning me about Guo Jia slandering Ma Dai's name with that letter. And out of curiousity: how did you know that Guo Jia wrote that letter in the first place?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Ren

Oh good, I finally got a hold of you. Listen, Sima Shi wants you because his younger brother is trying to kill him.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Ren

How am I suppose to know why? I'm not their babysitter!

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Ren

Yeah, yeah. Fine.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

Let me borrow 30 horses. Cao Ren is down south protecting the border and they ran out of horses.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

They've been down their for 3 months, you would think their rations went down really low by now! They ate the horses they had before, imbecile! Why else would he be asking for more?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

I guess you don't need protection then!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

I thought so! Listen, if word gets out about you getting your sister-in-law preganant it's going to start some major drama! Keep it low.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Shi

What do you mean your mother already knows?

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

At least you're not a plant anymore, right?

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

Guo Jia tried being you and sent me a letter. He's a woman now so go and see him/her and paint a picture and send it all over the kingdom. (Just because I want to see Xun Yu's reaction!)

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

You do realize that Xun Yu is trying to keep his magic under control, right? He's not the kind of person to look at naked chicks or porn like you and Guo Jia do in your spare time! He can't even stand the sight of a naked woman, did you know that? He'll literally avoid it at all costs!

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

I don't know how everyone found out about you being a female and being constantly asked if you could marry many generics and other people. That's what you get though!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Guo Jia's bust running from men and women who want to rape him, anything I can do for you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

You ate the red mushrooms didn't you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

How many times do I have to say it? DO. NOT. EAT. THE. RED. MUSHROOMS! Do I make myself clear?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

I thought not...

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Lord Cao Cao is turning green and sprouting blue petals around hus face and has taken root in his throne room. Also, you have about 65 hours to convince Ba to remain a female. I always wanted a sister!

Your Niece, Xiuyi


	4. Borrows and Returns

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**Borrows and Returns**_

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I told him not to eat the red mushrooms, countless times!

Your Niece Xiuyi

* * *

Wen Yang

I haven't seen your javelin, but I'll look for it.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

Why the hell do you need Wen Yang's javelin? So you would steal your own general's weapon, AKA the same general who is about 2 feet taller than you and 10+ stronger than you! Do you have a death wish?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

How should I know how Shi got in his underwear and got a spear wound in his- oh, wait a minute.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

You stabbed your brother didn't you! That's pretty stupid. But, your funeral!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

Your idiot son wounded his brother with Wen Yang's javelin. Why he was in his underwear is beyond me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

So her name's Sima Hualing! Adorable! We should get together and talk and catch up over Green Dragon Tea. I heard Shu is about to have their harvest week and that they're inviting the other kingdoms to participate, as long as we don't kill them!

Congratulations, Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

Lets go to Wu and kill them. I need to kill the Pyro Bitch and you may want to get out of the house and all that.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

You are not allowed to have wine while carrying a child. I think you would know that by now with your husband.

Xiuyi

* * *

Random Fangirl

Stay away from my uncle or face my Zhansha in battle!

Xiuyi

* * *

Random Fangirl

You want to die don't you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Random Fangirl

Well, the Sima clan wants to kill all imbeciles in the land. I guess I could help them out with killing you!

Xiuyi

* * *

Wen Yang

Here's your javelin. Sima Zhao had it and stabbed Shi with it. I cleaned the blood off as hard as I could but I could get only a little bit off. By the way, has your javelin always had little hooks on it?

Xiuyi (I poked myself trying to clean into those little hooks and had to write this letter with bandaged fingers.)

* * *

**Xiahou Xiuying,**

***Attached was a box full of dead giant spiders***

**These attacked my lord, could you figure out who sent it?**

**Lianshi.**

**P.S.I just asked Zhou Tai, they were sent from Shu. Still don't know who from Shu sent them.**

Lianshi

Eh... I hate spiders. But, yeah I'm good at detective work. And here's some field knowledge for you guys to know: anything found around Shu are huge and bigger than they are around here. So of course the size of the spiders over there would grow to these 18 inch abominations. I just hope Yueying hasn't designed anything robotic based off of them that shoots fire.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Xun

Who said fire? I didn't say fire, did someone else say fire?

(Didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Zhou Tai

*Attached is Lianshi's letter*

This was mixed up somehow with me. I recommend handing it to her in person, and by the way, what _did_ you two do when you thought your lord was dead?

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

Guo Jia is a woman and is in hiding from people who want to rape him. I got a picture from Ma Dai a little while ago: he has long blonde hair with a very slim figure with too-noticable curves. No one can look at him and not drool. By the way I still forwarded it to him.

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Oh, I always wanted to contact with you! I wanted to say thank you for killing your worthless father Liu Shan, and pressured your mentor Zhao Yun into becoming your lord. That was very intelligent of you! Wei Yan plans to overthrow him, I don't know when though! By the way, why is your hair silver?

Curiously, Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Liu Dai

So many people in Shu have silver hair and is considered normal. Alright, that explains why some people have silver hair. Is it natural?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Seriously? How?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Damn it, some people have all the luck! Oh, and sorry about your mentor/lord becoming a woman now. I'm pretty sure he/she's still badass though!

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

He/she's still badass. Don't ask how I know, I could just tell.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

You just f*cked us all damn it!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

You made _Zhao Yun_ into a female! You do realize he/she became much more aggressive to her enemies! She was out in the front lines and killed more than three fourths of my men in cold blood! Are you trying to kill me?! Change her back to a him please!

*Desperate* Xiuyi

* * *

**Dear sis,**

**Tell uncle Dun that I don't ever want to be a girl! I'm sulking so I don't want to talk to uncle Dun. **

**Your brother**

Dear brother,

You still have 55 hours to go until your male again. And stop sulking! You'll never get anything accomplished by doing that! Besides, I've always wanted a sister. And don't you hate how heavy your armor is?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

You are now a talking plant. Congratulations, you are now spreading roots _ALL_ over your castle!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Warriors of Shu

Who sent the box of giant spiders to Wu?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Do spiders naturally grow that big? And why send it to Wu?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Yueying needed something to work on, so she made mechanical spiders that shoot flames and suffocate people in webs. And you sent it to Wu as a little Halloween prank. Can I have one?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

I need to talk to the Snake Man? Dang it!

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

Can I have one of those spiders?

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

Yes I hate spiders, but mechanical ones don't have venom or are threatening, right?

Xiuyi

**Xiahou Xiuying**

**Not as long as you don't fear knives and swords for legs, fire breathing, 8 feet in diameter mechanical spiders, than yeah, it's all yours.**

**She Ren**

* * *

She Ren

Yeah, I'll take one.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Zhao

*Attached is a large box*

(Hahahaha) Here you go. This is a gift from me! (Hehehehe)

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

I'M GETTING A LITTLE SISTER!? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!

Your daughter

* * *

Brother

You might be saved, but you still have 50 hours to go, feel free to change your mind anytime by staying as a girl!

Your sister!

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Did you hear? I'm getting a little sister!

Your niece Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

I have _no_ idea how people got pictures of you as a woman, you have 49 hours left, so suck it up.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

You were founded my a slightly drunk Wang Yi and she raped you... didn't you put up a fight?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

You were tied down in your sleep? I can't believe you would even _think_ of sleeping while you are being stalked!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I'm getting a little sister!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

I'm getting a little sister!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Yi

Whenever you are feeling sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH".

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

*Sarcasm* Hey, I thought air was free too! Until I bought a bag of chips to watch you get your ass handed to you by Wen Yang in the training arena!

Xiuyi

* * *

ALL IN WU

I have finally been diagnosed…! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

You're turning green and have cyan petals growing around your head. DID YOU EAT A RED MUSHROOM?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhu Ran

Get your ass over here and burn every single red mushroom you can find!

Xiuyi


	5. More Kids!

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**More Kids!**_

* * *

Sun Quan

Zhou Tai is your most loyal retainer and Lianshi is your beloved wife. Why would they have an affair behind your back? Plus, I haven't seen him.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Tai

Your lord's suspicious about you and Lianshi now. Don't make it obvious. And he's looking for you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Your husband's suspicious about you and Zhou Tai now. Don't make it obvious.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

What do you mean you're pregnant?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

Congratulations, your wife's pregnant!

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

What the hell is a Robocop? And you, a pedophile?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

Fine, I'll look into it. (Not!) Who made the assumption that you are a pedophile?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Xiahou Rumei is going to be your new niece's name. By the way, what would your reaction be if I were to have a kid? By the way, Ba still has about 42 hours until he and Guo Jia become men again. I think he'll like the pink dress you gave him!

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Here's a gift from uncle.

*Attached is the pink dress*

Xiuyi

* * *

Xiaoqiao

I don't think that's a good idea. You're immature and too young. So, no, I don't think you should have a kid.

Xiuyi

**Xiuyi**

**You're a meanie *attached is a drawing of a bunny with red eyes***

**Xiaoqiao**

Xiaoqiao

Like I said before, immature.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

You have a wife. And how are you writing to me if you can't find what you need?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

How am I suppose to know why Wen Yang has two ink sets? Maybe he likes writing or very popular. Or- wait a minute.

Xiuyi

* * *

Wen Yang

Zhao Yun's currently a female, but he/she's the lord of Shu now. Good luck.

Xiuyi

* * *

Wei Yan

You're going to die. I will not sugarcoat it for you, you are going to die.

Xiuyi

* * *

Wen Yang

You were promptly attacked when entering Shu were you? *Sarcasm* And by mechanical spiders, what a nightmare, sweet dreams.

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Hello again! I have no idea how Wen Yang found out about Zhao Yun turning into a female.

Xiuyi

* * *

San Keshu

Quick, write a story about Wen Yang and Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun's currently a female and you did not hear it from me!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

Wang Yuanji is going to have a baby girl. Are you not pleased with this?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

I am not obliged to give that information out.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

You're worried that the baby will be as idiotic as the father? I don't think you have to worry about that, maybe it skips a generation for Zhao. By the way, what would you think about Shi having a child?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

Get over here now! Hurry, before they find out Shi's the father.

Panicked, Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

If you're healed, run!

Panicked, Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Do you know if the baby's a boy or a girl yet?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

I'm going to put Lord in front of your name now, whether you like it or not. Wei Yan is planning to kill you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Ma Dai restrained him and giving him a chill tea drink. Okay, curiousity speaking, what's the drink called?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Ice Spring Green Tea. Okay, thank you. And good luck being a woman. Liu Dai told me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

Tell me what Ice spring Green Tea tastes like.

Xiuyi *attached is a bad of tea leaves*

* * *

Zhang Chunhua

You feel relaxed and it tasted like mint and vanilla. Okay, I'm going to try some!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

You have GOT to try this Ice Spring Green Tea. It is soooooooo good!

Xiuyi

* * *

Robocop

Have some Ice Spring Green Tea. It is soooooo good!

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

Escape, while your captor is relaxed and confused!

Xiuyi

P.S.: Don't drink the tea!

* * *

Wei Yan

Don't like me? Good, I don't wake up every morning to impress you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Story mode

Xiuyi walked into Sima Zhao's room on accident and fell when she was leaving. Zhao comes in and sees her. "Did you just fall?" He asked.

"No, I attacked the floor."

"Backwards?"

"I'm freaking talented!"

* * *

Author's Note: Happy Halloween! Sorry it's short, I had a lot to do today!


	6. Revenge and Kidnapping

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**Revenge and Kidnapping**_

* * *

Sun Quan

*This letter is soaked*

*Attached is a mechanical spider imported from Shu*

Have fun.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Tai

I'm dead thanks to you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Do you know if the baby is a girl or a boy yet?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

I forwarded your letter to Lianshi. She doesn't really seem very upset with this whole ordeal.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Your husband found you out and will rather go to war with his beloved general instead of taking his anger out on you... that just explains how loved you are compared to Zhou Tai. So, is it a boy or a girl?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

If it's a boy it's going to be named Sun Liang and if it's a girl it will be Sun Luban. My money's on the boy. I'll give you 50 puches of silver if it's a girl.

Xiuyi

* * *

Jia Chong

You know how to determine a person by their handwriting, so here you go. *Attached is all the "Let's bang" letters she has recieved*

Xiuyi

* * *

Jia Chong

I'm not surprised about that recent one.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

You're sick! I'm part of your family!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

Was Cao Cao drunk when he sent this to me? *Attached is one of the letters she recieved*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Why do you want me to have a girl? What happens if it is a boy? Or worse: twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Fei

Go away.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Your comrade Zhang Fei is coming on to me. Please make him stop.

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

Your Five Tiger General Zhang Fei is coming on to me! Tell him to back off!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Fei

I'm not even attractive!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I was abducted by a drunken Zhang Fei and now I'm in Shu for the time being. Lord Zhao Yun kept me away from Zhang Fei and I have found company within Zhao Yun's wife Ma Yunlu and the widow Sun Shangxiang. I do not know when I'll be back.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xingcai

I want to see Liu Dai in person.

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

You're handsome, strong willed, and have very capable officers who are loyal to you. Why did you not want to become lord?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

You wanted your mentor's title Lord Zhao Yun to make sense by actually making him lord. Do they know that you were the one to kill your father?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Zhao Yun found out and he let you slide after he punished you. What did he do?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

Wow. I mean, wow. I did not know that he can be so cruel. Did it hurt?

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Dai

You couldn't leave the recovery tent for a week.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I would recommend we stay on Lord Zhao Yun's good side. I learned that he can become very, very cruel when he wants to be.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

You want an example? Fine. *Attached is Liu Dai's letter*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I thought so. Plus, Xiahou Ba should be turning back into a male now. May I recommend you giving Xun Yu more gold in return for Xiahou Ba becoming a girl still.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Thanks for the dress. (When am I ever going to wear this?)

Xiuyi

* * *

Yueying

Harvest Week is almost here? I guess I could help cook pies.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

Since you've had 4 children, curiousity speaking how is child birth?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I meant to say this earlier, but I'm going to have a kid.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

You're going to be a grandfather now.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

You're going to be an uncle.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I don't know the gender yet.

Xiuyi

* * *

Yueying

Lets go bake some pies.

Xiuyi

* * *

Pyro Bitch (Huo Baozi)

Yes I purposely misspelled your name to Sun Quan. Good luck trying to convince him that your name is something else.

Xiuyi

* * *

Yueying

I feel hungry for salmon now, is that normal? I usually stay away from fish.

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren

I heard that you're going fishing. Bring back some salmon for me, please.

Xiuyi

* * *

Yueying

What's sushi?

Xiuyi

* * *

Yueying

I'll try them.

Xiuyi


	7. Answers and Killings

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**Answers and Killings**_

* * *

Cao Cao

I would totally love to kick some Wu-ass, but I can't because if I try to leave I get hunted down by Zhang Fei. Plus I'm baking pies with Yueying and praise the gods she's one hell of a cook! I'm learning on how to make a pumpkin pie and use something called whipped cream. Here, I'll send you an apple pie. People down here in Shu are very excellent gardeners, farmers, and hunters. I'm eating sushi! And something called rice pudding.

Xiuyi *Attached is an apple pie and a clear container of whipped cream*

* * *

Xiaoqiao

The hell is this? How did someone like you get something so indecent?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Yu

Cai Wenji, Wang Yi, and Zhenji want me to tell you to watch your wife. Here's what your wife sent me. *Attached is Xiaoqiao's letter*

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

I told you she was a hell of a cook! I think Cai Wenji and Yueying had the same cooking mentor. Plus, I have yet to see Zhang Liao, Li Dian, and Yue Jin come and save me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang Liao

Where the hell are you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Yue Jin

Where the hell are you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Dian

Where the hell are you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xiaoqiao

This is a very disturbing picture of Guo Jia still as a female tied up and Wang Yi on top of her obviously drunk. And this other one is something I do not want to describe. and they're very detailed. How are you getting these?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xiaoqiao

Stealing them from someone in green and wearing a funny hat. Wait a minute...

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

Stop torturing people over there and get your ass back to Shu!

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

I have evidence. I'll just give this to Lady Ma Yunlu!

Xiuyi

* * *

Ma Dai

That's what I thought.

Xiuyi

* * *

All Women In Wei, Jin, and Wu

If you see Ma Dai, smack him.

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Sima Zhao

I don't have time to watch these things. Besides, I heared that the Lord of the Rings trilogy and long and drawn out. I'm trying to escape here!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Shangxiang

Your brother is going to get himself killed.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Shangxiang

Really? How come she hasn't told _me_ yet?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Congratulations on the new baby boy! You know, I just came back from a Star seer: I'm having twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I'm having twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I'm having twins! One boy, one girl.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

You're a grandfather to twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

You're an uncle to twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

The father? (Nervous laugh) Um... I really didn't get a name. I actually got drunk and next thing I know I'm having a kid... er, well kid_s_. The boy's name is Xiahou Qiang and the girl's name is Xiahou Weihua. I also adopted two children: a boy named Da Siling and a girl named Liang Erhua. Apparently in Shu the women can adopt children without the need to ask their husband's permission because it is actually _expected_ to do so. So if the woman brings home some random kid, the husband would automatically know that his wife adopted the kid and raise and train the kid as his own. I guess the whole kingdom of Shu is one big family.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

If I'm going back to Wei, expect me to have 4 children- two of my own and two adopted: Da Siling, Liang Erhua, and my twin children Xiahou Qiang and Weihua. Just so you know.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

I don't know who the father is! (I'm serious!)

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Tai

Want to explain to me why you're attacking Wei with a large army at Xuchang?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

Da Siling? He's 16 years old, shoulder length black hair and sky blue eyes, around 5'9'', and has a somewhat high pitched voice. Why?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

He's here with me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Da Siling

There's an imposter that says he's you. Go kill him.

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

I'm in Shu right now. And I have no idea where Guo Jia is.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

What do you mean Guo Jia is still a female?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Be nice to Da Siling! He's your nephew, kind of. He's a part of our family now, whether you like it or not.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I am _not_ that young. What do you think I am, 12?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I'm 19 going on to 20!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Yes, I'm that old!

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

How did Cai Wenji get preganant?

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

How the hell was she raped?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cai Wenji

Are you alright? Here's a recover-soon pie. *Attached is an apple pie*

Xiuyi

* * *

Cai Wenji

Who raped you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cai Wenji

Some guy named Li Kan?

Xiuyi

* * *

Da Siling

Do me a favor sweetie: find someone named Li Kan and send me his head.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

*Attached to this letter is a head in a box*

Here's Li Kan's head. He raped Cai Wenji.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

There's a bigger rapist in Wei running around who orders every other rapist? Why the hell isn't Cao Cao not dealing with it?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

*Sarcastic* Oh _now_ you want me to stay in Shu until it blows over. I am not that attractive.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

I was drunk!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Here in Shu there is a lot of different flavors and strengths of wine. I took one sip of a Death Venom wine and I was drunk. I do not know the father, nor do I really care.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Why are you in Shu?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

Come over to Shu. Lets catch up.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

What do you mean you're already here and trying to hunt down the father?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Did you come to Shu just so you can hunt down the father?

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

Why is Uncle Dun here and not helping you with the army?

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

Why are you a plant again?

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

I told you not to eat the red mushrooms!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

Come over to Shu. Lets catch up.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

No, you can not bring an army.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

Why is Guo Jia still a woman?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

Okay, who exactly would want to keep Guo Jia as a woman for a little while longer?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

I feel _really_ sorry for you. Someone wanted you to stay a female longer.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

I am not obliged to get that information out.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

You're going to automatically assume I was raped, aren't you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cai Wenji

What do you mean you got drunk after a sip and next thing you know you're carrying a child? And it wasn't Li Kan?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I think Cai Wenji and I got hooked by the same person.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Do you recall the night I got drunk by any chance?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Okay, do you know who I went with?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

Thank you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Lord Zhao Yun recounted the night I got drunk. Someone with long black hair and brown eyes named Que Kou. I heard that he's from Wu. He's 6'2'' and 200 pounds and has a scar on his left eye. He wears red and gold armor. Lord Zhao Yun said he's hard not to miss.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father and Brother

I'm busy hunting down a Que Kou over here. Bother me some other time. And don't you dare eat the red mushrooms. Have this pie. *Attached is an apple pie*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

I am feeling pain in my stomach, is that normal?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

Fine, I'll lay down in bed this once. But I'm still in charge of the man-hunt!

Xiuyi


	8. I Should open A Greenhouse

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**I Should Open a Greenhouse**_

* * *

To EVERYONE

You will turn into a plant when you eat the red mushrooms. Do. NOT. Eat. The. Red. MUSHROOMS!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

You are fighting on Wei soil, of course they will come to terms about you attacking them. And I don't have that sort of power.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

You're family is considered intelligent. How the hell did they turn into plants when I told them not to eat the red mushrooms?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

What the hell is "challenged accepted"?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cai Wenji

I seen that coming. Is it a boy or a girl?

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Dian

I told you not to eat the red mushrooms! Now you are turning into a plant!

Xiuyi

* * *

Yue Jin

I told you so! You turn into a plant of you eat the red mushrooms!

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

Usually you don't care if you sleep with anyone when you're drunk. You did rape a female Guo Jia, remember?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhong Hui

Go away

(didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Random Guy

I don't know who you are.

(didn't bother signing it)

* * *

Brother

You ate a blue mushroom and you are now a blueberry? Drop and roll if someone's about to grab you to be made into a pie.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

Ba's a blueberry.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother-berry

People are going to call you Ba-berry unless you somehow change back.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

My brother's a blueberry! Help!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

What do you mean you're planting strawberries? You dislike strawberries.

Xiuyi

* * *

Chen Gong

Change Xun Yu back... NOW!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Bu

And so what if I did threaten your strategist?

Xiuyi

* * *

Diaochan

Get off my case!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Lingqi

Get off my case.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Bu

Chen Gong does not break down into tears so easily. He's more likely an imposter. And why would you even care if he did break down into tears?

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Bu

Told you so!

Xiuyi

* * *

Diaochan

I'm actually curious: do you know if Chen Gong has a crush on anyone?

Xiuyi

* * *

Diaochan

I knew it!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

I feel _really_ sorry for you!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

You were turned into a girl... how?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

I doubt Guo Jia could do that in revenge.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

Guo Jia isn't the type to do something like _that_ in revenge. I've seen the guy ticked off before: he actually crosses the border from distubing to absolutly _cruel_ when wanting revenge. Ask Pang De, he knows what I'm talking about.

Xiuyi

* * *

Chen Gong

You're sick!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lu Lingqi

Your dad ate a red mushroom... did I NOT warn everyone not to eat them?

P.S.: Stop hiding it: I know that you have a crush on Jiang Wei! Admit it!

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

I'm about to open and run a greenhouse.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Tai

GET OFF OF WEI SOIL, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

Here's a Shu red-mushroom-plant-reversing remedy. It's not half bad. *Attached is a packet of tea leaves*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I'm not obliged to give out the information about the remedy. But it's good isn't it?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I hope your daughter doesn't have any plant like characteristics.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

What do you mean when you turned into a plant that your daughter somehow grew 3 times faster than normal and you're about to give birth?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Sima Shi

I'm going to miss the birth of your daughter. Tell Sima Hualing I said hi.

Xiuyi

* * *

San Keshu

Your father figure Chen Gong is acting strange... how?

Xiuyi

* * *

San Keshu

That would do it...

Xiuyi

* * *

Chen Gong

Let me make this clear: eat the red mushrooms, you turn into a plant, most likely a flower. Eat a blue mushroom, you turn into a fruit. Eat a green mushroom, you turn into a cactus. Eat a purple mushroom, and you temporarily defy gravity.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dian Wei

Chen Gong is floating above the Wei castle: shoot him down.

Xiuyi

* * *

San Keshu

I have _no_ idea why Dian Wei would shoot your father down... with an axe.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

Yellow mushrooms reverse other mushrooms: including Xun Yu's sick necro-magic. Try it!

Your niece.

* * *

Cai Wenji

Girl or boy?

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

Again, you don't really care who you sleep with. I mean: you slept with both Zhenji and Cai Wenji at once and Cai Wenji was raped and having a kid. You can help raise the kid you know: to kill Ma Chao's son over here.

Xiuyi

* * *

Wang Yi

I'm shutting up now!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Zhao

I keep telling people: DO. NOT. EAT. THE. RED. MUSHROOMS! They turn you into plants! Ah, never mind: here's a bag of yellow mushrooms: they'll reverse the red one's affect.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

I will do just that. By the way: if _I_ were to eat a red mushroom: would the twins in my stomach grow faster?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

It would but it is not recommended. What is?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

Where am I suppose to get Mineral Water from?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Hey uncle i found mineral water and now i'm so happy that i just want to talk and talk and talk i'm so giddy that i don't care about anything anymore when are you going to visit me where are you how is ba is the whole kingdom of wei playing hide n seek *long ink stoke*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

That Mineral Water should be renamed Giddy Water.

Xiuyi

* * *

Everyone in Wei, Wu, Jin, and Others

If you see a silver doe (a female deer), please refrain from capturing or harming it: it is Lord Zhao Yun's present from his wife and you _do not_ want to make her angry.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

I blame the Giddy Water. Plus in a few weeks you can come see your new family members: my twins!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Da Siling and Liang Erhua

In a few weeks your brother and sister Xiahou Qiang and Weihua will be born. Please escort my uncle to the Shu palace if possible!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Yueying

Is childbirth painful?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

I don't have that kind of power to get them to stop attacking you. I mean you did attack Zhou Tai on Wei soil!

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

You burnt down most of the territory around Xuchang. I will send Da Siling and I will convince She Ren to attack you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I am sending She Ren and my son Da Siling to attack Wu. Do not harm either.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

You want to kill She Ren, I know you do!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Yueying

Lets get this over with!

Xiuyi


	9. May Karma come Swiftly

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**May Karma Come Swiftly**_

* * *

Sima Ba

Are you certain about that? I have four kids you know.

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

Why would you assume I was dating a Sima?

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Cao

I have no intention of dating a Sima. I have four kids.

Xiuyi

* * *

Father

You are a grandfather to 4 children.

Xiuyi

* * *

Brother

You're still a blueberry? Well, you're an uncle to four children now.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

You're going to assume Sima Ba's the father to Xiahou Qiang and Weihua, are you? (Actually, let him! It'll get Sima Ba out of my hair.)

I will bake you some pies.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Ba

My uncle's chasing you in Nanzhong! Kind of wished the tigers and Zhurong got to you first: my uncle can not maul you enough to satisfy me.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Ba

Do NOT get the wrong idea there!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhuge Feng

I would date Shu's officer, and my rival, She Ren, instead of any Sima.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yuanji

I took a safer route than you in that regard. The Giddy Water turned my twins' hair to silver and that's it so far. Am I to understand that the red mushroom made Sima Hualing have _strawberry blonde_ hair? That's going to raise some questions.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Rumei (Sister)

Nice of you to write to me. I'm fine, the weather is beauitful, and your nieces and nephews are doing well. Tell Ba-berry I said hi.

Love Xiuyi

* * *

Chong Wu

I will send an army of 8 foot spiders to Wu dang it. Now, give me the Pyro Bitch! (Huo Baozi's head will be mine!)

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

OKAY! But I don't know who the father is I swear! And what makes you think I would date a Sima and _CRY_ over being dumped by a Sima? There is an imposter unlce. I am safe here in Shu's castle. I have company from the widow Sun Shangxiang (who refuses to go back to Wu, don't blame her) and Lord Zhao Yun's wife Lady Ma Yunlu and Lady Yueying. I have plenty more feminine company, so I am not lonely. If you want me to date someone then find me a man yourself: but, someone who can treat my four children like a father should! If they are mean to my children I will kill him and send his head to you.

Your beloved niece, Xiuyi

* * *

Chen Gong

I have no idea who shot you down... with an axe for crying out loud, are you not a strategist: who can throw an axe into the air to accurately hit you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Someone who does not have a helmet. A hate those! In fact, I told Ma Chao to ditch his helmet on some poor soul who looked like him as to keep Wang Yi away. As she knows now: Ma Chao's imposter was the one who killed off her family! Pretty smart, huh?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Liu Bei *Really Chong Wu* (YOU'RE ALIVE?)

I, ugh, have no idea why, er Zhao Yun became lord... I mean everyone thought you were dead... so, um, do you blame your grandson for killing his worthless father and setting up your favorite general?

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu

I got this from your late lord!

*Attached is the previous letter*

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

I'm not picky: but he has to be serious when it calls for it, doesn't mind slaughtering people, he is not overly muscled, he's kind to children, he's intelligent, brave, skilled, and is tall. You know I'm attracted to men with height! And no facial hair (if possible).

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Father

You are not allowed to set me up with anyone, mother told you that already!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Rumei

You already have a boyfriend?! When the hell did that happen? Who is he?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Rumei

I am your older sister: I have to know these things. Do you know what happens when Uncle Dun finds these things out!? Do you!?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Ba-berry

You're a blueberry still: before you get baked into a pie, roll away!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

*Attached is a painting* Someone _like_ him. The painting is of Lord Zhao Yun's oldest son Zhao Tong. He's 6'2''!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

As far as I'm concerned: Zhao Tong's dating Guan Yinping.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Mother

Who is Rumei's boyfriend?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Cao Cao

Have you found the guy yet?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

You wouldn't, perchance, know anybody with a list of good looking and tall men, would you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun

That actually makes sense.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Diaochan

Can I borrow that list?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Diaochan

Thank you!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear "Cao Cao"

Why would I want to go and date a Sima- for the 5th time?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guan Yinping

Quick question: are you planning on getting married? I could see a lot of flowers and chairs being set up outside in the forest?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guan Yinping

Alright, thanks.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

The celebration you see going on is a wedding, uncle. Guan Yinping is finally being married.

Xiuyi

* * *

Liu Shan

I thought you were murdered!

Xiuyi

* * *

*Switching*

Liu Shan: Wait, stop the wedding! My father clearly stated that I was going to marry both Xingcai and Yinping!

GYP: Where does it say that?

Xiuyi: Do you need to be murdered again Liu Shan? Go dig a hole and stand in it!

Zhao Tong: They have a point. Liu Bei didn't have _that_ in his will, and you _were_ pronounced dead via murder.

*Someone stands up* ?: No, she's _suppose to marry_ me! *Speaker was Sun Deng, son of Sun Quan*

Guan Yu: *points blade at him* The daughter of a Dragon should not be allowed to marry the son of a dog!

Zhao Yun: Hey, everyone calm down alright. Guan Yinping, what should they do for your hand?

GYP: *Thinking: I know Zhao Tong would easily win a battle...* May be a duel between the three, like tradition states.

Sun Deng: That's unfair! Zhao Song there would easily win!

Liu Shan: His name's Zhao _Tong_.

Sun Deng: Whatever, Zhao Dong will still win. Figure out someone fair my dear!

Zhao Yun: Battle Royale it is!

*Switching*

* * *

Sun Quan

I have _no_ idea how your son arrived at your doorstop covered in bandages.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

You saw the fight, right? Right!?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun

Here's a list of good looking and tall guys. Diaochan crossed out the married ones in red and she offers decriptions of them. The ones I'm interested in have a circle next to them.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Zhao Tong

I would like to congratulate you on your win against the dead fool and the spineless Sun. When will we be expecting children?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lu Lingqi

You have a crush on Jiang Wei. You have a crush on Jiang Wei. You have a crush on Jiang Wei! ADMIT IT!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

*Attached are 3 pouches of gold*

Turn Guo Jia back into a male already. Rumor's going around that his beloved daughter is being surrouned by suitors. And A LOT of them.

Xiuyi

* * *

Xun Yu

Of course they ran away when Guo Jia unleashed a volley of metal spheres: I told you that when he was pissed off he turns into a demon! He is _very protective_ over his daughter.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Cailong

There, you got your daddy back: where is my end of the deal?

Xiuyi

* * *

Sun Quan

I don't know why Sun Deng is a cockroach. He must have pissed someone big off.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Cailong

A cockroach? Is that the best you can do? Find, do the same to Sima Ba, then we shall talk.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Ba

Do you have any other person you can go after?

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Sima Yi

I have no idea why your nephew is a cockroach.

Xiuyi

* * *

**Dear Xiahou Xiuying,**

**I am sorry my lady. Sima Ba just told me you would go out with him at Nanzhong**

**Sincerely, Zhuge Feng.**

***Rest was wrote kind of sloppy because Zhang Fei forced him to write it***

**P.S. I'll be sure to make sure he never bothers you again.**

Zhuge Feng

Here is an apple pie: thank you for the warnings! And are you okay? The last part of your letter is kind of messed up.

Xiuyi

* * *

Sima Ba

No, not yet. I just have four children, two adopted and I got drunk and got a set of twins.

And I did not say I'd go out with you!

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Chong Wu

You were FORGING LETTERS!? Don't you have to help your lord take care of his pathetic son that got himself beaten up?

Xiahou Xiuying


	10. Guo Cailong Steps In

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

**Guo Cailong Steps In**

_*Background Information about Guo Cailong: She has long flowing blonde silver-ish hair that literally lights up her already angelic and goddess like appearance. She is highly intelligent like her father and is known to be surrounded by suitors. Her mother is unknown, and Guo Jia raised her alone and is _very_ fond of her. She has a lean, fragile appearance and stands at around 5'3''. Her outfit is a high collared dark blue dress (similar to Lianshi's DW8 outfit) with sapphire blue heels and black gloves. She wears a sapphire blue rose in her hair and a teardrop sapphire necklace. She can use magic and wields two giant blue fans that allow her to summon flying swords from nowhere. She is known to be extremely attractive, with a very attractive figure and beautiful smile. She does not approve of her father's likeness to women and is in fact the only one he can't part with (due to the fact that this is his beloved daughter). She has a slight fear of men and has a collection of animals that _used_ to be her human suitors- due to panic they are now animals!_

* * *

EVERYONE: I was asked to fill in for Xiahou Xiuying as she is still recovering from childbirth and what not. That and her brother has caused a lot of trouble and she went to assist her uncle. Nice to meet you all, I am Guo Cailong, Guo Jia's daughter! (Damn my polite habits- that phrase is going to give me a hard time!)

Guo Cailong [P.S.: My given name is pronounce T'sai-long]

* * *

Xiahou Ba

What happened to you being a blueberry? Why are you a bear?

Guo Cailong

* * *

Xiahou Ba

You were a bear. Alright. (I _was_ about to help change you back)

Guo Cailong

* * *

To ALL of Dong Zhuo's Men

I am not like my father, for one! Secondly I will not do such an indecent thing to a pig's army. And third: HE'S ALIVE?

Guo Cailong

* * *

Xun Yu

My apologies, Master Xun Yu. My magic backfired and turned you into an adorable kitty cat. But hey, you could sleep in a little box!

Guo Cailong

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Forgive me; my father is not here at the moment and I turned Xun Yu into a cat. My apologies for any trouble!

Guo Cailong

* * *

Zhong Hui

No, I will not date you. You're not my type, little boy.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Zhong Hui

Yes, I have a type.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Dong Zhuo

(He's alive. Great, no woman is safe anymore!)

Go die.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Dong Zhuo

That is my _father's_ past time. Not mine.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Lord Cao Cao

Dong Zhuo's alive. I recommend you lead an army to kill him.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Xiahou Dun

I turned Xun Yu into a cat. My apologies.

Guo Cailong

* * *

Father (In Xiahou Dun's body)

Father, refrain from making Master Xiahou Dun indecent with the maids. Have you no self-control! People are giving me a bad reputation because I'm your _daughter_! And my magic backfired on Xun Yu you made everyone switch bodies.

Your Daughter

* * *

Xiahou Dun

You have my father tied down in your basement? Oh well, I'm being chased by Dong Zhuo's men, so I can't write long!

Guo Cailong

* * *

Xiahou Dun

I'M SORRY, I PANICKED! Dong Zhuo's forces were chasing me down to the area your residing in and I turned his army into cockroaches, NOW THEY WONT DIE! My father doesn't let me use fire magic so I can't kill them, and they are still heading down your way!

Guo Cailong

* * *

Father

HELP!

Your Daughter

* * *

Father

That gross-ugly-pig-called-a-man IS CHASING ME PERSONALLY!

Your Daughter

* * *

Xiahou Xiuying

I know your busy recovering and everything, BUT I NEED HELP!

Guo Cailong

* * *

Father

(I _really_ don't want to do this!)

Darn it daddy, I will date every guy _in the land _if you don't help me!

(I'm going have to sanitize my hand, mind, and ink brush for that!)

Your Daughter

* * *

Father

Let me get this straight. You turned a whole bunch of cacti into _living_ women to distract Dong Zhuo from chasing me, then you lit the _living_ women on fire and the pig went up in flames with the _living_ women? Daddy you're evil sometimes, you know that!? (Because if he could do _that_ why flirt with every women on the palace grounds? Not to mention LIGHT THEM ON FIRE to kill one person... I feel so loved!)

Your Daughter

* * *

Lady Zhang Chunhua

My father said I'm not allowed to use fire. (Darn it, I should have ranted to him about that!)

Guo Cailong

* * *

Xiahou Dun

Yes, my father can become very cruel. Yes, those _were_ _live_ women he lit on fire to burn Dong Zhuo like a bonfire. And yes, I'm pretty sure he was killed. (Or at least burnt enough that he turned to ash, either way I'm glad he's no longer chasing me!)

Guo Cailong

* * *

Father

Why are you killing a lot of people? Cao Cao wants you here.

Your Daughter

* * *

Father

Darn it daddy, get over here. You can annihilate the "competition" later! I need help turning Xun Yu back from being a kitty cat: he scratched and hissed at Lord Cao Cao when he went to pick him up!

Your Daughter

PS: Yes, Lord Cao Cao _tried_ picking Xun Yu, as a kitty cat, up to hold him! And yes, he _did_ scratch our lord's nose and hissed at him!

* * *

*Switch*

An all black and small cat sat on Guo Cailong's desk, watching her write. "I can't promise my father would help you Xun Yu, I mean, you did take all his "fangirls" away from him."

"Like he cares about them. By the way I've seen it he seems to caremore about you then any other women... maybe because your his daughter. Plus you write to him as "Daddy" which is unusual, and he writes back to you as "Sweetie". Again, that's unusual."

"You talk more as a kitty cat, Xun Yu."

"I'm a talking cat because of you."

"I'm sorry: Dong Zhuo's men thought you were a woman so I panicked: and then they saw me and I turned them into cockroaches."

"Speaking of which, no one's going to tell Guo Jia you used fire to kill them."

Guo Cailong nervously laughed. "Um... thing is daddy never lets me _practice_ fire magic, so I think it's best I don't!"

"Good point Lady Guo Cailong."

*Switch*

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I have brought her in for a number of reasons. Feel free to write a letter to her as well, because I'm adding her to this story! Both girls will return in the next chapter! Sorry that this one is short. I was in a rush!**_

_**I'm late for this: but Happy New Year! My resolution is to practice my comedy skills for the sake of a couple of my stories!**_


	11. OROCHI!

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

_**OROCHI!**_

* * *

Dear FlamingBadass00,

He freaks out about a lot of things. Just last week when he was still a blueberry he had day dreams of being turned into a blueberry pie.

Love Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Chong Wu,

I have people called spies.

Xiuyi

* * *

**There is a circle beside Sima Yi's name...I thought I told you not to date a Sima? He's way too old for you and married, what was Diaochan doing? And there is one next to Guo Jia's name! Xiuyi, he's a dick! There is also a circle next to Xun Yu's name! He loves boxes more than he loves woman! I won't allow you! Sure, the fangirls love them but no.**

**Uncle Dun**

Dear Uncle Dun,

What! There should be no circle near any Sima's name. Beside, Sima Yi's name should be of been crossed off due to the fact that he his married. Guo Jia! I know he could be a dick but sometimes he does some really evil things if you mess with his daughter. Xun Yu shouldn't have a circle next to him. That is odd.

Your Niece

* * *

Guo Cailong,

Where are you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

You burned women... alive?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Cailong,

(Nervous handwriting) We're really good friends right... right!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun,

I will look into it since you suggested it.

Xiuyi.

* * *

To all in WU:

I'm looking for a man that is 5'10'', with shoulder length black hair, the start of a goatee, wearing a green and red outfit, named Jing Deng. He is wanted for murder in Shu and was last seen going towards Wu.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

I'll... think about it.

Xiuyi

* * *

Orochi?

Um, I'm not sure who or _what_ you are. So I will write this once: do not come to China. We have mechanical 8 foot spiders and red mushrooms.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Huai,

Do you, perchance, have something that can shoot mushrooms at an "all powerful demon who lusts for chaos"? I need it.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Kunoichi,

Um... I have no idea what a bean bag chair is. Please consult Sima Yi for that.

Xiuyi

* * *

To all in Wei:

I appreciate all of you searching for a worthy husband for me, but I have 4 kids. If anything, I don't want sibling rivalries. Plus I'm still looking for the guy.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Katsuyuki Sanada,

Murder? What murder?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear EVERYONE:

I have no idea who this Orochi is, but he sent me to a world inhabited by creatures called Pokemon. Just so you know where I'm at!

Xiuyi

* * *

Kaguya

Vampire? What's a vampire?

Xiuyi

* * *

Kaguya

Okay, but I'm not sure it'll work.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia

Hold still and let my Zubat bite you. Kaguya wondered if you will turn into a vampire if you're bitten.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Cailong

Poisoned? Um, I have no idea how your father could get poisoned.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Unlce Dun

How do you cure blonde men of poison?

Xiuyi

* * *

Bao Sanniang

No. My Cubchoo is mine!

Xiuyi

* * *

**A/N: I have no excuse for writing so late. But my brain is rattled.**

**You see I have 2 of these big ideas that I wish to do: One of them is doing a Next Generation story, as some of you might know. The second and the one I've been wanting to do but having trouble putting into words is a story about Zhao Yun.**

**I can't work on the former due to the fact that my mom has yet to transfer the data from the old hard drive to the new one. The latter on the otherhand has shown my weakness: I make a lot of characters with no time to figure them all out.**

**Let me make this clear: Zhao Yun is my favorite character and I can see him as a great teacher/mentor and father. And he would be married only to one woman (preferably Ma Yunlu). But, I can see him with Xingcai and now Guan Yinping.**

**So in the story about him (sort of) he would be married to 5 women: Ma Yunlu would be the first, then it'll be Guan Yinping (because Guan Yu couldn't trust anyone else), then Xingcai (again, Zhang Fei trusts him), the fourth would be (an OC) Liu Meiji (daughter of Liu Bei and Sun Shangxiang (because Liu Bei and his brothers call Zhao Yun Little Brother and Sun Shangxiang was very passionate about having her daughter marry him), and the last would be (another OC) Huang Linying (the **_**Granddaughter**_** of Huang Zhong)- So he is related (in-law) to the rest of the Five Tiger Generals (Guan Yu- father-in-law, Zhang Fei- father-in-law, Ma Chao- brother-in-law, and Huang Zhong- grandfather-in-law), and to his Lord (Liu Bei and Sun Shangxiang).**

**If the above statement wasn't confusing enough, I kind of bent reality a little and gave Zhao Yun one hundred, I repeat, one HUNDRED individual kids which are then married to the kids of others officers and whatnot. I originally went with 70 kids, but then the 30 Miracles Arc came to mind in my head. Ma Yunlu gave him 26 kids, Guan Yinping gave him 21, Xingcai gave him 21, Liu Meiji gave him 14, and Huang Linying gave him 18. He has an equal amount of boys and girls at 50.**

**I'm still trying to figure out the number of grandchildren he'll have, because I'm still working with the kids. One of Ma Yunlu's children with him IS Jiang Wei because I could see Jiang Wei as Zhao Yun's adopted son. Jiang Wei is also married to Zhao Yun's second son with Ma Yunlu which is Zhao Guang and they have two kids.**

**Another son of his is Zhao Hua and he is married to Guo Jia's son Guo Jing.**

**It has hints of Yaoi (nothing too hardcore- I'm not great with romance period!) and has some language to it.**

**But, that's the reason why I haven't been doing too much on here. And I'm worried that I gave you too much information because I was going to make a comedy introduction story about it.**

**Anyway, tell me what you think of it and what you have to say about the chapter.**


	12. CHIBI BOAT RACES

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

**CHIBI BOAT RACE**

* * *

Sima Ba,

I have no control over my uncle's actions. Besides, he's supposed to be visiting me after my return to Wei. I have come back from the Pokémon world and I have two of them with me. I don't have time for your troubles. I give you adieu.

Xiuyi

* * *

FlamingBadass00,

Since I have returned to Wei, and that he has not eaten any mushrooms for a while, I would be happy to assist you in calming my brother down. He should know by now how babies are made anyway. I mean, he has three younger sisters.

Xiuyi

* * *

Uncle Dun,

Might I ask nicely for a cousin?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Zhao Yun,

I have returned safely to Wei from the Pokémon world. I also met your obsessed demonic lover. Although you do not feel fear, I fear for you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Jia Xu

You have an email? What the hell is that? I can just have my Cubchoo here freeze the electricity and then you'll be forced to write the letters! Boat race? Are you kidding me! I'm not going on any boat and you can't make me!

Xiuyi

* * *

Wandering dude 1,

Who would win in a beauty contest? Zhenji, Zhang He, Cai Wenji or myself? Currently I'm trying to burn off what is called "baby fat" for having twins, but depending on the categories I could possibly win. (Because of not my Cubchoo and Zubat will sabotage the competition for me!)

P.S. My best bet would be Zhang He, because A) he looks somewhat decent in a dress, B) is competitive in beauty pageants already, and C) has a lot more experience regarding fan-service than I do.

* * *

Xiuyi

Dear Lord Zhao Yun,

So, I hear someone is bothering you? What's up?

Xiuyi

* * *

Uncle Dun,

I want ice cream!

Xiuyi

* * *

Jia Xu,

I told you before… I will not join the Chibi Boat Race. I will state my reasons below:

One: Cao Cao is traumatized still from Chibi. Fire and boats don't mix.

Two: I am frightened by sea monsters.

Three: Gan Ning will be there probably drunk as hell.

And Four: I have twins to take care of.

Thank you for your time, and I will leave you sulking for the next hour.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

Xiuyi

* * *

Bao Sanniang,

I told you before. My Cubchoo is mine!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhong Hui,

Stay AWAY from Guo Cailong. Her daddy will kill you and leave your body for the dogs. No! Worse than that! He'll distract you with women then set it all on fire.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhong Hui,

I have four kids. Plus, I'm not your type. And you're not mine. Please leave me alone.

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhong Hui,

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Xiuyi

* * *

She Ren,

Oh hey, I haven't heard from you in like, forever! How are you doing? Me? Well I'm just busy freezing, poisoning, and planting greenhouses. Why?

Xiuyi

* * *

Uncle Dun,

Can I have a cousin now?

Xiuyi

* * *

Xu Zhu

I told _all_ of you to NOT EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS! It's that simple!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

I'm crying.

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

You said that Sun Quan is still after Zhou Tai for getting you pregnant. I'm surprised he can hold this long of a grudge against someone who saved his ass a bunch of times.

Xiuyi

* * *

Mother,

I can curse in letters! I'm old enough! How are you getting all of these?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lady Ma Yunlu,

I need some Giddy Water please…

Xiuyi

* * *

Lianshi

It's about time you ended this feud. May I suggest going to Zhao Yun!

Xiuyi

* * *

Uncle Dun,

You're really funny uncle Dun. There is no possible way my little Zubat can turn Guo Jia into a vampire.

But I will look into the situation.

Xiuyi

* * *

Chen Gong,

Did you turn Xun Yu back into a woman? For what reason this time?

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Dian,

Dark arts, voodoo, and shadow hands? What's wrong with you? Are you okay?

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Dian,

Why is Yue Jin a female? What are you planning?

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Dian,

THAT IS SICK! I'M TELLING YUE JIN AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME! YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT WITHOUT GOING THROUGH ME FIRST. OF COURSE HE'S AN IDIOT BUT HE'S LOVABLE! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Xiuyi

* * *

Lord Cao Cao,

I implore you give Cao Ren the 50 horses he has requested. He is in the south and may need more in the future.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Cailong,

Hey buddy… are you doing okay in that tower? Is your father giving you three good meals a day? Is your hair longer than normal? Are there stairs anywhere?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia,

I understand you want to protect your daughter, but you just can't lock her up in a fifty-foot tower! What if someone gets in there?

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia,

Is it Dong Zhuo protected? Cao Pi protected? Fa Zheng protected? There's this brand new thing called Dung Beetle Repellent. I suggest you use it.

Xiuyi

* * *

Guo Jia,

I think the proper term for Dong Zhuo's men are dung beetles thank you very much.

Xiuyi

* * *

Jia Xu,

How many times do I have to say it? I will not join in on the Chibi Boat Race and you can't make me!

Xiuyi

* * *

*Switch*

**Xiuyi**: *Yawn* I think that should be enough writing for today. I'll have to make sure my Cubchoo doesn't eat my brother. Why did he have to eat a blue mushroom, the idiot.

*Turns on lights in her room*

**Random person**: Oh, thank you. It was so dark in here.

**Xiuyi**: *Stares wide eyed at the random stranger in her room*

**Random person**: You have a lot of Yaoi stories in here. Are you okay?

**Xiuyi**: What are you doing in my room? Who are you?

**Random person**: Oh, I'm genetic Wei officer number 24789367, at your service. I am here to inform you that you are now receiving a new OC General of Wei for the duration of the rest of this series.

**Xiuyi**: Wait, what?

**Genetic Wei Officer #24789367**: You may also be cancelled to make room for the up-coming Zhao Yun Answers Letters. This author called dibs on it.

**Xiuyi:** Wait a minute! I'm being replaced!

**Genetic Wei Officer #24789367:** Not as of yet, but when you hit a certain amount of decent chapters. Forgive this inconvenience. You may complain to the author at a later date.

**Xiuyi:** *Silent for a while* That, doesn't explain why you're in my room?

**Genetic Wei Officer #24789367:** I'm in current development of becoming your husband.

**Xiuyi:** … UNCLE DUN! THERE'S A LUNATIC IN MY ROOM!

**Xiahou Dun**: *Comes into the room with a large mace* Where is he?

**Genetic Wei Officer #24789367:** I apologize for the intrusion. I am genetic Wei officer number 2478- ***SMASH***

*Switch*

* * *

**I apologize for not updating this sooner. This isn't that much to accommodate from being absent, but it's what I can get done in an hour time frame. It's literally one in the morning for me.**

**P.S. The above statement is true. I call dibs on making a Zhao Yun Answers Letters! I called it! I'm just not done with this one yet. Oh, and please expect more stories of random literary content in the future. I'm working on humor and other genres. Please send your letters still though!**


	13. HI COUSIN! And bunnies

**Xiahou Xiuying Answers Letters**

**Hi COUSIN! And bunnies...**

* * *

Dear Cousin (Cao Fenghuang),

I talked to the person in charge. She said she's not replacing me, she's just adding on. I'm not going anywhere :D. Plus, I would love to visit you in your garden. By the way, I'm back in Wei now with my Cubchoo and Zubat. Please do not be frightened by a blue and purple bat or a polar bear cub creature. They helped me survive in what was a hell of a universe.

Your cousin, Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

That's it! I give up! I'll marry whoever you want me to. (But if he hurts my kids I swear I'll murder him)

Your innocent niece, Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Cailong,

You wouldn't, perchance, know how to stop people from eating the red mushrooms, right?

Xiuyi

* * *

To EVERYONE,

The red mushrooms now have a new side effect in the tropical regions of northern Wu and southern Wei. Those who consume the red mushrooms will exhibit numbness in extremities, slurred speech, painful rashes, diminished senses, and abdominal pains in the time frame for a week. Please use caution. And if you are thinking of eating a red mushroom reconsider and DON'T. EAT. THE. MUSHROOM!

This was a message from your fair warner Xiahou Xiuying of Wei

* * *

Dear Zhang Jiao, Yue Jin, and Li Dian,

Um… I'm back in Wei you know. I've been kidnapped and now I'm back.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Zhang Jiao,

No I am fine. No need to take anyone's head.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

I will not join your beauty pageant! Don't you have to be in your early 20's to participate?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

I'm 19!

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhang He,

Guo Cailong is _older_ than me!

*Didn't bother signing it*

* * *

Dear Sima Ba,

Thank you for the roses… I think.

Xiuyi

* * *

Cao Fenghuang,

How have you been since the garden party?

Xiuyi

* * *

Zhou Cang,

Who are you?

Xiahou Xiuying

* * *

Dear Zhou Cang,

I'M SO SORRY! Your Shu's new guy. It took me awhile to recognize the name I'm sorry! Disregard the last letter!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

No, I will not join in a singing contest! Have you heard my voice? It sounds like someone bashed my face in, cut my tongue out, and decided to stitch it back in. And that's putting it lightly.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Cailong,

Enter in a singing contest with me so we can get some money and move out!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Guo Cailong,

And I'm saying we need to flap these puny Phoenix wings and take a swandive! Now let us go and win some gold!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Zhou Cang,

Alright new guy. Let me tell you something! You can't eat the red mushrooms. You'll turn into Five Tiger General Zhao Yun. Lord Zhao Yun is the pressured lord of Shu, whether anybody likes it or not! We do not eat the red mushrooms. My rival is She Ren. We do not eat the red mushrooms! You have an assortment of tea in Shu and something called Giddy water. Have fun and do not, for the love of the gods, EAT THE RED MUSHROOMS!

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Ru,

Oh if it isn't Dong Zhuo's strategist and son-in-law. How are you? Your lord is dead and I can't help you with that.

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Ru

He died when cactus women burst into flame that's how.

Xiuyi

* * *

Li Ru

I am not obliged to give that information out.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

Let's play a game!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

You run through the castle, and try not to slip because it will be covered in ice. Make it to the end, and you'll be fine. I'll even throw in some baozi for you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

I have no knowledge of the castle floors being coated in ice. We're having a contest.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

Don't tell the Sima's, but baozi is on the line!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

Don't worry about a thing! I have Cao Ren to protect me!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

You are to come at once, under Lord Cao Cao's command and not my own, to protect me from the ice that mysteriously covers the castle floors. I await your return to Wei!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yi,

I can't help you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yi,

I said I can't help you.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yi,

No I will not help you!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yi,

For the last time NO! I will not babysit your bunny! Not stop asking me!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Wang Yi,

You left it on my door stop didn't you?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

Do you want to watch Wang Yi's bunny? I don't care for rodents.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I would love to go to war! But I can't… I'm stuck pet-sitting a rabbit.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I told her no!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

What are you doing to Wang Yi's rabbit?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

I'm sorry… what? I don't think I read that last letter right. Can you repeat that?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Cao Fenghuang,

Well cousin, haha, bad news and good news. The meat supply in no longer an issue. But, we have a rabbit infestation. And I can't find Wang Yi's.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Cao Fenghuang,

My brother thought it was getting lonely, let it outside, and now we have a freaking rabbit riot outside our house! Now help us!

Xiuyi

* * *

*Paper is torn and bitten off*

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

We our under house arrest by rabbits.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Lord Cao Cao,

That was not a mistake.

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

HELP! We're under house arrest!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I don't know why! Please uncle I'm scared!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Unless we have 500 pounds of carrots, Ba and I can't get out of the house!

Xiuyi

* * *

Xiahou Rumei,

You're married!?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

Um… did you know Rumei was engaged?

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

I don't know to who!

Xiuyi

* * *

Dear Uncle Dun,

PLEASE UNCLE DUN I'M SCARED OF RABBITS FROM THAT ONE BIRTHDAY PARTY! PLEASE GET RID OF THE RABBIT ARMY OUTSIDE OF OUR DOOR! PLEASE! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! *tear marks are on the paper*

Xiuyi

* * *

**Author's Note:** _I will try to update every story that is not on hiatus in the next couple of days. __Happy Holidays to you Dynasty Warriors Archive readers and writers!_


End file.
